Adultery on the rise as women look for 'love'

2007/07/23 The New Straits Times Online
By Minderjeet Kaur and Jennifer Gomez

KUALA LUMPUR: "Your cheating heart" could easily be the theme song for some couples these days.

It appears that more marriages are on the rocks because of extra-marital liaisons.

But here is the shocker: More women are now cheating on their husbands.

This has to be qualified, however, as they are usually the ones who were cheated first by their husbands.

Malaysian women are increasingly refusing to take being cheated lying down.
Marriage counsellors are noting a hike in the number of working women seeking professional help to sort out troubled marriages.

The push factor includes seeking revenge on cheating husbands or seeking solace in the arms of another man because of abusive husbands.

International Medical University clinical psychological consultant Paul Jambunathan said it was true that more married women were involved in extra-marital affairs.

"It has been on the rise over the past 10 years."

Jambunathan counsels about five couples monthly.

Of that number, three women would have cheated on their husbands.

"Ten years ago, women hardly cheated on their husbands. I only received a handful of cases then."

He said it was unfair to solely blame women for extra-marital affairs as there were push factors that led them into cheating on their husbands.

"Most do it out of anger at being cheated by their husbands."

Jambunathan said some women were also fed up with their abusive husbands.

"Some feel it is no longer taboo to leave adulterous husbands. Those days, women kept silent and continued receiving abuse from their partners. But today, women are aware of their rights."

A very small percentage of women, he said, cheated on their men because of sex-related issues."

If the man has problems with sex, some women are more tolerant and try to coax their husbands to perform better. But some leave for others."

He said despite cheating on their partners, some couples were able to reconcile while others opted for divorce.

National Registration Department records showed that although the number of couples going separate ways had tripled from 3,291 cases in 2004 to 9,919 in 2005, the numbers for the following year fell to 5,748.

Last year, only 23,880 couples tied the knot compared with 53,783 marriages in 2001, 55,314 in 2002, 57,882 in 2003, 57,530 in 2004 and 50,335 in 2005.

Jambunathan advised young couples not to rush into marriage but get to know their partner and family first.

Chemistry Department head Primulapathi Jaya said that the number of fathers conducting DNA testing on their newborn was on the rise.

He said there were 20 cases in 2004 and more than 50 last year, adding that this showed more men were growing suspicious of their wives.

A marriage counsellor said both men and women tended to stray when there was doubt in their marriages.

"If it is a stable marriage, this is unlikely to happen," she said, adding that more women could be getting into affairs because of greater exposure.

She said women today travelled a lot more than before and had the opportunity to meet more people compared with their mother’s time.

Women’s Aid Organisation executive director Ivy Josiah said more women were being abused and raped by their husbands.

She said there were about 700,000 single mothers nationwide with the majority being victims of domestic violence.

National Council of Women’s Organisations Malaysia vice-president Faridah Khalid said men who cheated still outnumbered women who had affairs.

"There might be a handful of women cheating on their husbands. But do not blame them. There could be a lot of push factors that led them in that direction," she said.

Why they turn to other men

- DIANA, 29, was married but had an affair with a colleague. She and her husband had apparently nothing in common — he was into sports and nothing else, while she was craving for moonlight dinners and brief escapades.

It was only natural that she fell in love with a co-worker, who was also into pina coladas and midnight runs on the beach. One thing led to another and after 11 months, she told her husband that she wanted out.

"Though my husband cared for me a lot, there was no romance. He was understanding when I told him I wanted to leave. It was brief and easy, especially since there were no children involved."

- EIGHT years ago, 36-year-old Aminah married someone from her workplace.

The first three years of marriage were rosy: They spent quality time watching movies, going for bird watching and holidays.

However, the birth of a child brought out the worst in the husband who started abusing her physically and mentally."

He told me that I was not a good mother and blamed me for everything when our child was ill. He used abusive language and physically abused me twice.

"His attitude took a turn for the worse when he lost his job. "He was at home all the time, not doing anything but watching television and shouting at me," Aminah said.

After putting up with him for another four years, she looked elsewhere for love."

I started flirting with this guy through SMS and later started going out with him for tea. It helped me to forget about my husband."

Aminah has not crossed the line into infidelity "but it is only a matter of time before I cheat on my husband".

- SUNITHA, 36, was forced into an arranged marriage at the age of 22 some 13 years ago.

She did not like her husband and indicated this clearly to him, her family and friends.

"I always felt that it was just a matter of time before we parted ways. I always knew that we were not right for each other, although he was very good to me," she said.

Three years later, she met someone at a nightclub. "I just packed up my clothes and moved in with him."

Her family and friends tried to coax her into coming back to the marital home but it was in vain.

They even tried to lock her up at home but she managed to escape.

Sunitha is happily married today to the man of her dreams and has three children.